No More Shame

I've been doing a lot of soul searching this year.  I am in a position where I now help coach people to better health and fitness.  Learning about these people and listening as they discover what is at the heart of their drive has helped ME look within to understand where I've come from.  It has been a long (and necessary) road.

I was never a popular kid in school.  I grew up in a lower middle class family and I didn't wear designer clothes, hang with the "in" crowd or participate in pay-to-play sports.  I was a band geek, science nerd, drama freak.....and internalized my shameful feelings that developed from ostracism, lack of support and understanding at home and being bullied.  Growing up, I always felt there was something "wrong" with me and that I was unworthy of success.  I tried to make myself invisible and wanted to hide most of the time.  I hated my body and fixated on it because I felt that was why no one liked me.  When I was 13, I was buying dexatrim pills.  That was only the beginning of a dangerous cycle of self destruction.  I buried myself in my schoolwork, acing almost all of my classes.  This continued all the way into college.  Instead of being proud of an A assignment, I obsessed with the answers I got wrong.  In my eyes, I was not good enough. 

Why?  The exact answer is unclear.  There has been a lot of pain, embarrassment, shame and regret in my life.  I'm not proud of all my past choices, but I realize as an adult, they HAD to happen to make me who I am today.  I AM good enough.   I deserve greatness.  I am worthy of success.  This acceptance has given me the strength to move forward and help others.  For this, I am grateful, more than words could ever describe.